still hard

Recently, I have spent some time with some friends I haven’t seen in a long time, which has been so wonderful.  A lot of them haven’t seen Rory since she has been an infant so they are al amazed to see her walking and talking.  This in turn means they haven’t seen her with her shoe on, and many of them I haven’t even told about Rory’s condition. 

I pretty much only “came out of the closet” about Rory’s condition a few months ago.  I kept it a secret for so long, not because I was ashamed of her or her condition tall but rather, because I didn’t want anyone to look at her or treat her differently.  Once she got her shoes I found myself cropping pictures to keep her feet out of the picture.  I realized people were going to find out sooner or later, so may as well tell them. 

Telling them and them seeing it is different.  Her shoe looks much bigger in person.  It is only a 5 centimeter lift, but it looks large since she is so little.  The people who don’t know about her condition have been polite and have asked nicely about it, and even those who do know have been nice about it; but I find myself still having a hard time. 

The other day when I was at my nephew’s birthday party his grandmother asked about it.  I found myself almost in tears thinking about it.  His grandmother was so sweet and even compared her doctor in Florida to a dentist she knows who teaches people how to do root canals (it was sweet, old people make me laugh).  But I was really getting choked up thinking about it.  Now I get choked up for a different reason, because her surgeries are so close now, 8 months away. 

I am not sure why this is so hard for me; I live with it every day, I see how Rory’s leg doesn’t affect her and how she does more with her bad leg than many kids with two good legs.  And maybe it’s a mother thing, but I am honestly not sure how or if I will ever become “calm” talking about it.  It has gotten to the point where I am not so much bothered by telling people about her condition, it’s me thinking about what is going to happen.  About the pain my baby will be in after her surgeries.  I think about my girl on a hospital bed and with screws in her legs and a part of me dies inside and I almost feel like vomiting.

I wonder if I will after her first few surgeries if I will be ok talking about it, if I will become used to it and it will be a second nature to me. 

I know things with Rory could be a million times worse, and I really need to be thankful for her good health.  But it’s hard for me sometimes, I really just want her to be “pain free” for the rest of her life, but I guess she wouldn’t be pain free even without her surgeries, life is hard sometimes.